When Conflict Becomes a Group Problem (Part Five)
“He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty,
And he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.” Proverbs 16:32
“So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” James 1:19-20
Last time we ended with three key principles for successful group conflict resolution: Careful Listening, Effective Collaboration, and Skillful Facilitation. Let’s focus on the first in that list, listening.
Careful Listening
This principle is a skill that can be practiced, but it takes self-control, focused attention, patience and time!
The facilitator is in the perfect position to model these qualities and to assist the group in learning this critical skill. Three secrets to good listening*, especially during conflict, are:
Questions over statements – Respond by calmly exploring the other person’s thinking and by asking gentle and relevant questions instead of making statements. This is especially important if the individual is getting emotionally charged. Doing so expands helpful information for the group and increases understanding for everyone in the group while de-escalating the person speaking.
Clarify – If you have been misunderstood, calmly and clearly offer more helpful information to clarify your meaning and intent. This also benefits both the individual and the group.
Seek common ground – If involved in a legitimate disagreement, move the conversation upward to a higher purpose working to find a common goal. An example from my life to illustrate this principle: I was able to successfully get a conversation unstuck when discussing worship styles with an older gentleman. This man was passionately against contemporary music in our church. By moving the conversation past his music style preferences and to what approaches are helpful in evangelizing young people (specifically this gentleman’s own grandchildren) he conceded that if that is what it would take for these family members to come to Christ, he would change his position and be supportive on this issue, and he was!
When done biblically, we not only practice these qualities ourselves but model them for others to build into their interactions.