When Conflict Gets Interpersonal (Part Two)
But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that “by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.” Matthew 18:16
In part one post about the interpersonal conflict level, we saw that God instructs us to resolve interpersonal conflict in the smallest circle possible, with just the parties involved meeting privately and confidentially first (Matthew 18:15).
Bring in others
If the parties are unable to find resolution, a second approach is found in the next verse (Matthew 18:16, above). God knows that some disagreements can’t be resolved without receiving assistance from other brothers or sisters. This second approach is known in legal terms as mediation. Mediation is a structured process that can be conducted in a very casual or a very formal manner, depending on the circumstances. However, the basic components are the same:
The Mediation Process
The disagreeing parties select a third (and potentially fourth) person whom they both trust and respect to come alongside and meet with them to help resolve their conflict. This person(s) is the mediator.
Usually, it is helpful for the parties to agree on ground rules or guidelines to keep the discussion civil, constructive and on track (i.e. refrain from interrupting, show mutual respect, etc.). In my experience, allowing the parties to choose these guidelines is more conducive to cooperation than having the mediator choose the ground rules for them (but the mediator can help if requested).
The next step is creating the opportunity for each party to “tell their story” without interruption. It is helpful to provide each party with a pen and paper and encourage them to write down their thoughts when they are tempted to interrupt, assuring them that they will have an opportunity to voice their concerns once the other person finishes expressing theirs.
After the mediator has carefully noted the concerns of both parties, provide an opportunity for the parties collaborate, with guidance from the mediator, to identify the main points of disagreement and find healthy solutions acceptable to all.
The final step in this process is to put any agreements in writing and have all parties sign. Protip: Add a commitment to the agreement to return to mediation if there are any problems with compliance moving forward.